The other day my friend talked about what scared him most. Snake, height and ghost. It was funny to me because I never find myself intimidating by those he listed. Then it came to me what actually is scary to me.
I am a person with full of different kinds of contradictory. And when it comes to this question, I feel in horrible fear when I find myself alone or to be exact, be abandoned. I myself am a very introvert and tend to lean inside and discover the dynamite world there. I spend a lot of time for myself, alone in my studio, working on my project Inner You, shooting self-portrait, reading, watching movies, writing, learning, basically doing things alone. And I enjoy it so much that sometimes I worry if anyone could destroy it coming along.
But then it strikes me big time when I realize myself the biggest fear in life is being abandoned, being left behind. I hate the feeling of waving goodbye to someone at the airport. Or seeing their cab receded from the skyline. Or being left on the last date with a cold boyfriend after a fight. And what worst among those, I found myself many times in anxiety when my company left me alone at the airport to go to the washroom. I felt like a little baby, found mom nowhere to be seen, but is too scared that mom cannot find her to she left her seat. That kind of thought only happened in a spare second, but it was frightening to me. The conscious and logic part of me knows that how can someone leave with their luggage just right here. But sometimes, the mind cannot just explain everything.
Tracing back, I’ve been left once. It was hurtful. It was dark and depressing. The real abandon is not so bad, actually is very humanity. However, the scenario that the mind played inside itself, or actually the reasoning, the explanation that my conscious gave me for such event was of a true antagonist. It wasn’t the person who left me that hurt me, but me. I choose to play myself a victim, to stuck my head forever in that dark mud where the person gets in the cab, and drive away with me standing there, looking.
And then, it strikes me big time when I now, as writing down these words, just realize that I am actually the person who left…
I did left.