At the end of this year and starting a very new one, I find one new answer for myself to this lifelong question I once asked. What to be done if tomorrow is the last day to live. I would rather stay, I would rather keep on with my journey inside. Learning and connecting with myself. Since the one inside is much more interesting than I expected. And the journey inside is more challenging than I once thought. And most of all, the one inside is rather need me more than any others in this whole universe.
I would love to tell a story from my childhood which still live a very big visual memory inside my clownfish gigantic head. I hated darkness. More specifically I hated sleeping in the dark. Whenever the I woke at night and found no light at all, I would panically and constantly call Mom out loud. One time then two times, then it became a habit. Until 10, 11 I could recall, I couldn’t help calling Mom when I slept without light, no matter I woke at night or not. I still felt the darkness even if I closed my eyes or was already asleep. It was the feeling that even if you closed your eyes or you opened them there was no difference. The feeling of uselessness I once thought. That was why I really anxious every time I slept over at a friend and relative’s place. It was really embarrassing.
As I recalled that now, I still remember the lonely picture I had in mind every night before sleep, that I could see myself as a lonely child, sat still on a small little planet, which was dark and full of dust on the crust. But there was light glow outside that planet. Nothing else. Except the night was dark and full of stars. I sat and looked up, at myself, yes it was weird. (Just exactly the way I do it every now and then. Close my eyes and see no one else but me. No one else in this life I feel that strong connection with. No one else in this life but me I can feel, I can touch, and I can sit with on their planet).
Very lonely, silent and very sad. Until everything, even my flesh started to melt down into drops or sometimes dissolve like sand on a big windy day.
With the company of my lonely child inside, I want to make a resolution this year to accept myself for up and down, to appreciate every moment in life even if it could be emotional torturing. Because from there, I recreated myself into the best version of it, not anyone’s expectation, and not at all any conventional life that ever lived, but mine.
May this new year bring me courage to confront my own self, accept it as it is and to nurture it as it can be. As well as accept others’.
On the very first day of the year 2018,